Quit Your Bitching

Today a woman I know made a relatively innocuous post over on FetLife, linking to an article over on The Rumpus about normalized sexism. The kind we encounter every day in our lives, mostly through the casual use of sexist language. She mused: "I wonder what would happen if, as a [BDSM] community, we decided to stop calling women/ feminine folk/ submissives/ bottoms "bitches" for like, ten minutes."

The post was already getting a lot of attention when I commented that I was sick and tired of people trying to defend their right to say sexist shit because it feels good and is convenient, rather than actually considering whether someone might be hurt by sexist language and whether the use of that language is contributing to that hurt. At some point the post blew up, comments-wise. The argument, on both sides, boiled down to this question:

In the BDSM community, is it a problem to use sexist words like "Bitch" in a casual way? 

Please note, we were not talking about speech within the context of a negotiated "play" encounter. We were discussing whether it was A-OK to go around referring to women as "bitches" in conversation. 

For those of you who are not familiar with the makeup of the Kinky/BDSM community, I would now like to point out that there are HUGE numbers of people within our ranks who identify - both sexually and by gender - outside the mainstream heteronormative binary. I love the diversity of our community, and I have learned so much about sex and gender since I joined it. I have grown as a person and as a feminist with the help of all the people within our ranks. In general, as a group, we pride ourselves on being sex-positive, and I love that. I know, you wouldn't have guessed that based on the premise of the discussion, would you?

It seems to me fairly obvious that terms like "bitch" can be offensive, and therefore also obvious that the respectful thing to do for our fellow community members would be to avoid using these terms so cavalierly. But of course community isn't that easy, and life isn't that black and white, so here we were having the discussion. Which is fine. But the absolute dismissal of the proposition - that we might do well to imagine what it would be like if we just stopped using the word to describe women who are friends and partners - and the absolute assuredness with which the very idea was dismissed really spoke to me.

I could take apart, one by one, all of the arguments made in favor of using the word "bitches" when talking about women. Again, let me remind you were are talking about women who are friends and play partners of the people using the term. 

I could talk about how some women say they are using it and they are not offended by it (or the men who point out that women don't generally make a point of calling them out for using the term), so therefore it's totally fine. 

Or I could rebut the claim that it's OK because some people think it's charming or hilarious to call women "bitches" because duh, of course we all know better, so it's funny because it's ironic. 

Or I could rebut the assertion that we who are offended should "lighten up." 

Or the assertion that we "3rd wave" feminists are alienating men by calling them sexist or privileged (as though the terms "sexist" or "privileged" is somehow nastier than "bitch" in reference to a person of gender female). 

Or the stance that it's OK for women-identified people can use it because we should re-claim it and take away its negative meaning (because obviously, all people can now walk around in 2013 using terms like "faggot" with ethical impunity).

Or the advice that I shouldn't "let myself" get offended by being called a bitch, sort of in general, because words can be inflected differently to mean different things. 

Or I could tear down the argument that "context is everything" and therefore it's OK to refer to all women as bitches in the "right" context, as long as you are cool enough to pull it off.

Or the upsetting claim that politically correct language is itself a form of silencing (presumably, silencing of the privileged majority). 

Or the claim that it's OK somehow because this is BDSM, and therefore I can act however I want to act because Rebellion and I'm A Special Snowflake.

Trust me, I have reasons why all of these arguments are at best, missing the point. But to go through them all would be exhausting right now. So instead I'll just make my point:

If you find yourself with the urge to call a woman a bitch, take a split second and try to imagine what a jerk you'll feel like if that woman gets hurt or angry when you call her that. If you have imagined the hurt feelings of that woman you're about to call a bitch, and you still want to go ahead and call her a bitch? Go right ahead. But don't get all upset when she gets angry or hurt and calls you a sexist. Don't try to convince her that she shouldn't be angry or hurt by your epithet. Because she is a person too, and she has just as much right to be angry or hurt or to call you sexist as you do to call her a bitch. 

Quit arguing your right to use sexist language. Nobody disagrees with you - we all know you have that right. Nobody is censoring you; I'm not going to call the Liberal Feminazi Thought Police. Knock yourself right out and call whoever you want whatever you want. But don't whine to me when I tell you I hate it and I think it's a bad behavior. Be an adult and own the consequences of your speech.**

**Now, I should clarify - I know and respect a number of men who use these terms as a part of their kink, in public kink spaces. The men I'm talking about are fully aware that they are offensive, and in fact they use this language for that very reason. Because they are using this language in a BDSM-specific context and with a specific intention, and because they have been forthright with me (and anyone who asks them) about their intentions - and also because they understand and are willing to accept the consequences of their speech - I have made my peace with them. Am I still offended by it sometimes? Absolutely. Is that kind of the point for them (and in a kinky way sometimes for me, when I assent to it - because sometimes I get off on it)? Also yes. Do I think that makes it "OK"? - Not really, but sometimes we have to recognize it's better not to throw out the baby with the bathwater.