Silencing Tactics - You Catch More Flies with Honey

Part two in a series where I outline different silencing tactics I hear when I try to stand up for myself as a woman in the face of prejudiced behavior. 

The difficult thing about the the silencing tactics I'm talking about is that there is almost never an explicitly offensive *intention* behind the trigger statement or action which leads to an accusation of sexism. These tactics are often used in earnest, without malicious intent and often in an attempt to be helpful. However, nearly all of them are also used as ways to avoid taking responsibility for having said or done something offensive. 

Whether or not this is how you are intending to use them, and even if you have a valid point, it must be recognized that many women have reflexive, negative reactions to hearing these arguments in any context because they have been overused as tactics to silence women’s voices simply because they are female, and are often based on prejudiced beliefs about women in general. Just as many men sometimes stop listening when an accusation of sexism is leveled, many women sometimes stop listening when they hear these tactics used in rebuttal, because they require a disproportionate effort on the part of the woman to rebut. The very frequency  of these kinds of responses can lead women to stop speaking up – it’s not just “conflict avoidance” that keeps women silent.


The Tone Argument

AKA: "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar"; "You're not going to get anywhere if you keep using that tone"; "OK, but you don't have to be a bitch about it"; any kind of call for civility or less vitriol

I hear this one a lot - I'm too angry, too confrontational, I'm "attacking" the other person. And of course when I'm not, I often hear it's inverse - that the other person is so glad that I'm being "civil" and rational instead of hateful. For me personally, this is not just dismissive, but has a lifelong history of feeling silenced, since I was one of those little girls who was called "bossy" a lot, and it was said of me "Well, she certainly speaks her mind," accompanied by a sort of purse-lipped "She's a handful" look of commiseration towards whatever adult was supposed to be in charge.

The problem with this tactic - the reason it's busted - is that the person saying it is generally part of a group that has the privilege of being listened to and taken seriously. Any questioning of that person's right to frame a discussion or say something insensitive might be perceived as an attack. Meanwhile, the person against whom the accusation of incivility is being leveled is a member of a group who is conditioned to keep quiet, and who is not trying to offend the other party, so an accusation of being mean, uncivil, or hurtful is apt to be taken seriously. When this happens - if the accusation of incivility is taken seriously into consideration - then the person making that accusation has successfully asserted himself as the person who gets to define "civility", and as the person who gets to determine when it's inappropriate to be uncivil, and most importantly, he has re-framed the conversation and deflected the question of the matter at hand (i.e., the prejudiced behavior or speech). He has, in effect, dominated the conversation.[1]  

This tone argument takes me off guard, every time. Because I know that people are more likely to listen to someone who is not perceived as "being mean" to them. This is a legitimate reason to change tone - in my experience, when someone is confrontational and/or uncivil, I'm less likely to listen to what they have to say. Sometimes it really is not what one says, but how one says it. But is that really true all the time, just because it's true in my experience? As a woman, I am used to being ignored by men when I try to speak up calmly. Is this a catch-22? Sometimes it seems to be. I don't want to be seen as angry or uncivil. But sometimes, a person has to stand up for her right to be offended. 

Here's what it comes down to, for me: If someone steps on my toes, and I snap at him and say "Hey, get off my toes," it is not cool for that person to say to me "Only if you ask nicely." Just get off my damned toes, and try not to step on them again. That is the civil thing to do. 

[1] - I'm using the male pronoun here because in my personal experience, it is men who use this tactic most often. However, I have absolutely and not infrequently encountered this from other women, too.

Silencing Tactics - Part One

I recently engaged in a lengthy discussion over on FetLife about sexism in the BDSM scene. Although the discussion was predicated on some specific solicitations and remarks that some women (myself included) found offensive, at the heart of the issue for me was the fact that many kinky women do not feel that the BDSM community is any less imbued with sexism than the rest of the world.

I teach on the topic of Kink & Feminism, so I'm used to seeing people approach this topic with every possible attitude imaginable: people who want to hear about it with open minds, countered by people who stop listening the second they hear the word Sexism; enthusiastic agreement that sexism exists, countered by outright denial and sometimes even accusations of "Reverse Sexism." I'm normally able to keep my cool when leading a discussion, but when I come across that last response my jaw locks, my windpipe contracts, and I feel like I'm going to shoot fire out of my eyes.

Why do I get so angry when people tell me there is no sexism in the scene? That feminism's work is done? That misandry is just as big a problem as sexism? That I'm overreacting?

Because I don't like being manipulated into shutting up, and 4 times out of 5, that's what is going on here.

Here are some of the comments that were made to women on these recent FetLife discussions:

• "I'm just surprised that you've given this much time to something that should have been a two minute time waster."
• "Men are objectified all the time."
• "Well, *I* didn't find it offensive, so..."
• "keep calm and see if you can get your head around this without emotion"
• "You're reflecting badly on yourself by nit-picking at this."
• "Maybe you should have thicker skin."
• "You've intimidated my partner and ruined our scene."
• "You're causing drama."
• "If you don't like what he has to say, ignore it."

These things made me SO. ANGRY. I don't like feeling that angry. Angry stresses me out. I do not like being stressed out. So I decided to break down WHY all those things make me so angry, in the hopes that when it happens again in the future (and believe me, it happens all that damned time), I can approach it with understanding and advocate for myself better. In the next few days I'll be posting what I've discovered about all these silencing tactics. Empowerment here I come!