The Feminist Pervert

I've begun leading a class for people in the Kink/BDSM communities lately called The Feminist Pervert. The subject matter and class style varies somewhat depending on the venue, but essentially the goal of the class is to create a space where people in these communities feel empowered to have guilt-free, brass-tacks conversations about sexism, in order to make their community a more welcoming and safe space for people of all gender identities, sexual orientations, and kink identities.

I taught this class a few days ago at Shibaricon. I was so excited to have the opportunity to teach to that group of kinky people because those people are rope people, and rope people are my people. I'm into lots of crazy, perverted stuff, but when it comes down to it, rope is my desert-island toy. So on the last day of the convention, when everyone was exhausted and wanting to sleep in and trying to check out of the hotel in time, imagine my surprise when a few dozen people showed up and looked really happy. It made me happy and gave me a great sense of solidarity to know that all those people were there because we shared a common interest and concern.

I started out with the ususal introductions and asked the class what they hoped to get out of the discussion. Several things were mentioned: safe spaces; listening; how to respond to sexism; the conflict between being a feminist and engaging in consensual BDSM; a few others. For the first time, I set a goal for the class, which was that I wanted to come up with some "best practices" for engaging non-feminists in our community about how to make it feel safer for everyone. And then we started in on the discussion.

One of the first questions was a man asking about paying women compliments. He asked us: Why was this so hard? Why were some women so offended? He found himself confused, he said. And then he went on to say how it seems like women in the BDSM scene who dress in ways that show off their bodily assets, but get upset when complimented, are sending "mixed messages".

Every hackle in the room went up. You could FEEL it happen. Suddenly, in this space that was supposed to be a safe space for women (among other people) - who often have to have their defenses at least at the ready - everyone felt defensive. If I had not been leading the group, I imagine my reaction would have been remarkably similar.

This was a perfect demonstration of something that is a big puzzle to so many of us in the kinky community - how a question asked honestly - a seemingly innocuous one, to the speaker - could make so many people upset. Standing in front of the class, I found myself able to see a larger picture of that moment. That's not something I'm frequently able to do when discussing sexism, because it affects me so profoundly and so personally. I wanted the women in the class to be able to address this, to be sure. I empathized with them in that moment. But I also found that I could feel compassion for the man asking the question. He had chosen to attend this class - he wanted to be a part of finding answers and solutions to this stuff, too. He had chosen, also, to ask this question - which signaled he was open to listening. And although several of the people in the class had expressed that part of the reason they attended this class was to bypass the "Feminism 101" stuff on which this kind of class sometimes dwells, I wanted to take this opportunity to help gain an ally; rather than shutting this man out of our conversation, I wanted him to join it.

So I asked the class to respond how they truly felt. But first I asked them to respond to this man in this room, who was a person just as we all are, and who did not come into the room with the intention of estranging himself, but rather with allying himself to our conversation.

Immediately 25 hands went up. As I was about to call on someone else, one woman seated on the floor to my left said clearly and straightforwardly:

"That made me uncomfortable."

I realized that one sentence was the strongest thing anyone could have said. Because it didn't carry any kind of loaded message - there was no blame in it, no guilt or secondary emotions, just a statement of truth. So often we engage with other people who don't understand where we're coming from in an antagonistic way, and we end up playing offense or defense in a conversation.

Of course we went on to talk about why she and so many other people had felt that way, and that felt good to have created a safe space in which to do that, without fear of being shot down. The man who had asked the question looked distraught, but didn't try to defend what he'd said - he just engaged with the strong women responding to his question by listening, actively and with the intention of learning truthful answers to his question.

And of course the class went on to talk about other issues, and to come up with some "best practices" - or at least, the beginnings of them - in addressing sexism and in having these conversations in our communities. But that one little statement and the way it was said really stuck with me, and it took me a week to realize why. Here's what I think:

While I know (from experience) it's important sometimes just to stand up for ourselves and exercise our strong voices in conversations like this, I realized that it's equally important to let down our defenses and invite the person we're engaging with to see some of what our defenses are guarding us from - the real discomfort and hurt that sexist language and attitudes and culture can create in real people. If we can be strong enough to address someone who has hurt us with compassion and truth, we are inviting them to have compassion for us in return. That's the place where real understanding and new - shared - perspectives can happen. Where we, as individuals, can make choices not to say or do things that alienate or hurt other individuals. Which is just the very thing that both kinky people and feminists are looking for when we gather together.

Shibaricon 2013: This is Why I Love Being Kinky

Warning: Hippy-dippy personal-ish blog post ahead!

My Shibaricon stats: This year marked my 7th Shibaricon, and my 2nd time as a presenter. It's the first time I've ever been without my husband, the first time I went "officially" with my other partner, and the first time I stayed at the even hotel. I got the darkest and biggest bruise I've ever had, met and/or really talked to more people I've wanted to meet than ever, and had at least as good a time as at any previous event I can remember. 

The weekend was, as usual, too jam-packed with awesome to make into any sort of condensed blog post, but I just wanted to list some things that were super great.

• The Ropenspace was everything people have been saying it is. I love that a day of empowering people to share with and learn from the whole event community is what set the tone for the rest of the weekend. I attended really good classes and felt people making the space their own.
  
• I haven't submitted any class proposals in forever, since I travel so much for work and I'm never sure what I can commit to more than a month or so in advance. So I'm really grateful to Diana for asking me to fill in at the last minute. It felt special to be sharing the "Presenter" title with such excellent presenters, and I totally used it to my advantage to meet and/or connect more with some people I'd always wanted to talk with (Hedwig, Lee, Murphy Blue, and Topologist, I'm looking at you guys).
  
• I injured myself in a class. I'm OK, and I learned some great things: I'm clear, concise, and largely stoic when under duress; the event has a fantastic medical team (Robert was utterly professional, helpful, clear, and calming); I'm really good at processing pain when it's needed most; I have a wonderful partner/Sir who has his priorities straight and knows just what to say and do when I need it most; I can truly practice what I preach in terms of personal responsibility and risk-awareness in kink; people in this community are wonderful about checking in with you when they know you might need it.
  
• WykdDave is a real teacher, not just a presenter. As I mentioned over on the FetLife Shibaricon group, he teaches not just a skill, but a method for practicing, which is how all of us really learn to do things. He de-mystified tying, while allowing us to keep the magic and fun we find in rope.
  
• I'm a puppy! And I love my bone.
  
• I got one of...no, THE best beating ever from Rough, using the coolest impact tool ever for a rope slut like me: a BIG-ASS piece of rope. It was just a single piece of rope, about 4" diameter and 2' long, and it felt like being attacked by a street gang. I hope the good people at Rope Extremes start selling it. It is BADASS and I have the bruises to prove it.
  
• Balloon Bondage is hilariously serious. Having my very first balloons + sharps + choking + rubber insertables popped in my vagina scene at Shibaricon in front of the class was such a great way to end the weekend.
  
• I had a beautiful moment of feeling all the proud "These Are My People" feelings as I watched $1500 raised for a member of our community who is suffering from a stroke and the ensuing medical expense nightmare, and then watched dozens of people who couldn't afford to contribute money donate some very expensive rope so those who chipped in could have something to show for it.
  
• Finally, my Feminist Pervert roundtable surpassed even my greatest expectations. I am so thankful that so many people came and shared and helped to create a safe space to talk earnestly and truly about something so important to me and many other people. We came up with some Best Practices that I'll be sharing down the line, and I feel a wonderful sense of support and co-empowerment with all the people in that room.

And now I'm off to pack for an epic journey to a faraway place. I'll be blogging from upstate NY for the rest of the summer!

Quit Your Bitching

Today a woman I know made a relatively innocuous post over on FetLife, linking to an article over on The Rumpus about normalized sexism. The kind we encounter every day in our lives, mostly through the casual use of sexist language. She mused: "I wonder what would happen if, as a [BDSM] community, we decided to stop calling women/ feminine folk/ submissives/ bottoms "bitches" for like, ten minutes."

The post was already getting a lot of attention when I commented that I was sick and tired of people trying to defend their right to say sexist shit because it feels good and is convenient, rather than actually considering whether someone might be hurt by sexist language and whether the use of that language is contributing to that hurt. At some point the post blew up, comments-wise. The argument, on both sides, boiled down to this question:

In the BDSM community, is it a problem to use sexist words like "Bitch" in a casual way? 

Please note, we were not talking about speech within the context of a negotiated "play" encounter. We were discussing whether it was A-OK to go around referring to women as "bitches" in conversation. 

For those of you who are not familiar with the makeup of the Kinky/BDSM community, I would now like to point out that there are HUGE numbers of people within our ranks who identify - both sexually and by gender - outside the mainstream heteronormative binary. I love the diversity of our community, and I have learned so much about sex and gender since I joined it. I have grown as a person and as a feminist with the help of all the people within our ranks. In general, as a group, we pride ourselves on being sex-positive, and I love that. I know, you wouldn't have guessed that based on the premise of the discussion, would you?

It seems to me fairly obvious that terms like "bitch" can be offensive, and therefore also obvious that the respectful thing to do for our fellow community members would be to avoid using these terms so cavalierly. But of course community isn't that easy, and life isn't that black and white, so here we were having the discussion. Which is fine. But the absolute dismissal of the proposition - that we might do well to imagine what it would be like if we just stopped using the word to describe women who are friends and partners - and the absolute assuredness with which the very idea was dismissed really spoke to me.

I could take apart, one by one, all of the arguments made in favor of using the word "bitches" when talking about women. Again, let me remind you were are talking about women who are friends and play partners of the people using the term. 

I could talk about how some women say they are using it and they are not offended by it (or the men who point out that women don't generally make a point of calling them out for using the term), so therefore it's totally fine. 

Or I could rebut the claim that it's OK because some people think it's charming or hilarious to call women "bitches" because duh, of course we all know better, so it's funny because it's ironic. 

Or I could rebut the assertion that we who are offended should "lighten up." 

Or the assertion that we "3rd wave" feminists are alienating men by calling them sexist or privileged (as though the terms "sexist" or "privileged" is somehow nastier than "bitch" in reference to a person of gender female). 

Or the stance that it's OK for women-identified people can use it because we should re-claim it and take away its negative meaning (because obviously, all people can now walk around in 2013 using terms like "faggot" with ethical impunity).

Or the advice that I shouldn't "let myself" get offended by being called a bitch, sort of in general, because words can be inflected differently to mean different things. 

Or I could tear down the argument that "context is everything" and therefore it's OK to refer to all women as bitches in the "right" context, as long as you are cool enough to pull it off.

Or the upsetting claim that politically correct language is itself a form of silencing (presumably, silencing of the privileged majority). 

Or the claim that it's OK somehow because this is BDSM, and therefore I can act however I want to act because Rebellion and I'm A Special Snowflake.

Trust me, I have reasons why all of these arguments are at best, missing the point. But to go through them all would be exhausting right now. So instead I'll just make my point:

If you find yourself with the urge to call a woman a bitch, take a split second and try to imagine what a jerk you'll feel like if that woman gets hurt or angry when you call her that. If you have imagined the hurt feelings of that woman you're about to call a bitch, and you still want to go ahead and call her a bitch? Go right ahead. But don't get all upset when she gets angry or hurt and calls you a sexist. Don't try to convince her that she shouldn't be angry or hurt by your epithet. Because she is a person too, and she has just as much right to be angry or hurt or to call you sexist as you do to call her a bitch. 

Quit arguing your right to use sexist language. Nobody disagrees with you - we all know you have that right. Nobody is censoring you; I'm not going to call the Liberal Feminazi Thought Police. Knock yourself right out and call whoever you want whatever you want. But don't whine to me when I tell you I hate it and I think it's a bad behavior. Be an adult and own the consequences of your speech.**

**Now, I should clarify - I know and respect a number of men who use these terms as a part of their kink, in public kink spaces. The men I'm talking about are fully aware that they are offensive, and in fact they use this language for that very reason. Because they are using this language in a BDSM-specific context and with a specific intention, and because they have been forthright with me (and anyone who asks them) about their intentions - and also because they understand and are willing to accept the consequences of their speech - I have made my peace with them. Am I still offended by it sometimes? Absolutely. Is that kind of the point for them (and in a kinky way sometimes for me, when I assent to it - because sometimes I get off on it)? Also yes. Do I think that makes it "OK"? - Not really, but sometimes we have to recognize it's better not to throw out the baby with the bathwater.

Silencing Tactics - You Catch More Flies with Honey

Part two in a series where I outline different silencing tactics I hear when I try to stand up for myself as a woman in the face of prejudiced behavior. 

The difficult thing about the the silencing tactics I'm talking about is that there is almost never an explicitly offensive *intention* behind the trigger statement or action which leads to an accusation of sexism. These tactics are often used in earnest, without malicious intent and often in an attempt to be helpful. However, nearly all of them are also used as ways to avoid taking responsibility for having said or done something offensive. 

Whether or not this is how you are intending to use them, and even if you have a valid point, it must be recognized that many women have reflexive, negative reactions to hearing these arguments in any context because they have been overused as tactics to silence women’s voices simply because they are female, and are often based on prejudiced beliefs about women in general. Just as many men sometimes stop listening when an accusation of sexism is leveled, many women sometimes stop listening when they hear these tactics used in rebuttal, because they require a disproportionate effort on the part of the woman to rebut. The very frequency  of these kinds of responses can lead women to stop speaking up – it’s not just “conflict avoidance” that keeps women silent.


The Tone Argument

AKA: "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar"; "You're not going to get anywhere if you keep using that tone"; "OK, but you don't have to be a bitch about it"; any kind of call for civility or less vitriol

I hear this one a lot - I'm too angry, too confrontational, I'm "attacking" the other person. And of course when I'm not, I often hear it's inverse - that the other person is so glad that I'm being "civil" and rational instead of hateful. For me personally, this is not just dismissive, but has a lifelong history of feeling silenced, since I was one of those little girls who was called "bossy" a lot, and it was said of me "Well, she certainly speaks her mind," accompanied by a sort of purse-lipped "She's a handful" look of commiseration towards whatever adult was supposed to be in charge.

The problem with this tactic - the reason it's busted - is that the person saying it is generally part of a group that has the privilege of being listened to and taken seriously. Any questioning of that person's right to frame a discussion or say something insensitive might be perceived as an attack. Meanwhile, the person against whom the accusation of incivility is being leveled is a member of a group who is conditioned to keep quiet, and who is not trying to offend the other party, so an accusation of being mean, uncivil, or hurtful is apt to be taken seriously. When this happens - if the accusation of incivility is taken seriously into consideration - then the person making that accusation has successfully asserted himself as the person who gets to define "civility", and as the person who gets to determine when it's inappropriate to be uncivil, and most importantly, he has re-framed the conversation and deflected the question of the matter at hand (i.e., the prejudiced behavior or speech). He has, in effect, dominated the conversation.[1]  

This tone argument takes me off guard, every time. Because I know that people are more likely to listen to someone who is not perceived as "being mean" to them. This is a legitimate reason to change tone - in my experience, when someone is confrontational and/or uncivil, I'm less likely to listen to what they have to say. Sometimes it really is not what one says, but how one says it. But is that really true all the time, just because it's true in my experience? As a woman, I am used to being ignored by men when I try to speak up calmly. Is this a catch-22? Sometimes it seems to be. I don't want to be seen as angry or uncivil. But sometimes, a person has to stand up for her right to be offended. 

Here's what it comes down to, for me: If someone steps on my toes, and I snap at him and say "Hey, get off my toes," it is not cool for that person to say to me "Only if you ask nicely." Just get off my damned toes, and try not to step on them again. That is the civil thing to do. 

[1] - I'm using the male pronoun here because in my personal experience, it is men who use this tactic most often. However, I have absolutely and not infrequently encountered this from other women, too.

Silencing Tactics - Part One

I recently engaged in a lengthy discussion over on FetLife about sexism in the BDSM scene. Although the discussion was predicated on some specific solicitations and remarks that some women (myself included) found offensive, at the heart of the issue for me was the fact that many kinky women do not feel that the BDSM community is any less imbued with sexism than the rest of the world.

I teach on the topic of Kink & Feminism, so I'm used to seeing people approach this topic with every possible attitude imaginable: people who want to hear about it with open minds, countered by people who stop listening the second they hear the word Sexism; enthusiastic agreement that sexism exists, countered by outright denial and sometimes even accusations of "Reverse Sexism." I'm normally able to keep my cool when leading a discussion, but when I come across that last response my jaw locks, my windpipe contracts, and I feel like I'm going to shoot fire out of my eyes.

Why do I get so angry when people tell me there is no sexism in the scene? That feminism's work is done? That misandry is just as big a problem as sexism? That I'm overreacting?

Because I don't like being manipulated into shutting up, and 4 times out of 5, that's what is going on here.

Here are some of the comments that were made to women on these recent FetLife discussions:

• "I'm just surprised that you've given this much time to something that should have been a two minute time waster."
• "Men are objectified all the time."
• "Well, *I* didn't find it offensive, so..."
• "keep calm and see if you can get your head around this without emotion"
• "You're reflecting badly on yourself by nit-picking at this."
• "Maybe you should have thicker skin."
• "You've intimidated my partner and ruined our scene."
• "You're causing drama."
• "If you don't like what he has to say, ignore it."

These things made me SO. ANGRY. I don't like feeling that angry. Angry stresses me out. I do not like being stressed out. So I decided to break down WHY all those things make me so angry, in the hopes that when it happens again in the future (and believe me, it happens all that damned time), I can approach it with understanding and advocate for myself better. In the next few days I'll be posting what I've discovered about all these silencing tactics. Empowerment here I come!