Silencing Tactics - Part One

I recently engaged in a lengthy discussion over on FetLife about sexism in the BDSM scene. Although the discussion was predicated on some specific solicitations and remarks that some women (myself included) found offensive, at the heart of the issue for me was the fact that many kinky women do not feel that the BDSM community is any less imbued with sexism than the rest of the world.

I teach on the topic of Kink & Feminism, so I'm used to seeing people approach this topic with every possible attitude imaginable: people who want to hear about it with open minds, countered by people who stop listening the second they hear the word Sexism; enthusiastic agreement that sexism exists, countered by outright denial and sometimes even accusations of "Reverse Sexism." I'm normally able to keep my cool when leading a discussion, but when I come across that last response my jaw locks, my windpipe contracts, and I feel like I'm going to shoot fire out of my eyes.

Why do I get so angry when people tell me there is no sexism in the scene? That feminism's work is done? That misandry is just as big a problem as sexism? That I'm overreacting?

Because I don't like being manipulated into shutting up, and 4 times out of 5, that's what is going on here.

Here are some of the comments that were made to women on these recent FetLife discussions:

• "I'm just surprised that you've given this much time to something that should have been a two minute time waster."
• "Men are objectified all the time."
• "Well, *I* didn't find it offensive, so..."
• "keep calm and see if you can get your head around this without emotion"
• "You're reflecting badly on yourself by nit-picking at this."
• "Maybe you should have thicker skin."
• "You've intimidated my partner and ruined our scene."
• "You're causing drama."
• "If you don't like what he has to say, ignore it."

These things made me SO. ANGRY. I don't like feeling that angry. Angry stresses me out. I do not like being stressed out. So I decided to break down WHY all those things make me so angry, in the hopes that when it happens again in the future (and believe me, it happens all that damned time), I can approach it with understanding and advocate for myself better. In the next few days I'll be posting what I've discovered about all these silencing tactics. Empowerment here I come!