Sunday, September 7, 2014

Public vs Private

What I say I want: 
  • ·         To have friends who care about me and want to spend time with me
  • ·         To have lots of sex
  • ·         To play more often
  • ·         To have a dog
  • ·         To manage my emotions a more smoothly
  • ·         To have more work in my chosen career

What I really want:
  • ·         To have just a few hours each day when I’m actually happy and at peace with myself and my life 
  • ·         <REDACTED>
  • ·         Barring the above, to find a great, experienced, grounded Dom or switch and we fall mutually in love and/or deeply respectful and sexy friendship.
  • ·         For <REDACTED>  kissing and making out.
  • ·         To find a couple of really great friends who I can really like talking with and not have to hide my career or my kink from
  • ·         To not constantly be afraid that I’m fucking up or making people dislike me.
  • ·         To be OK being alone more often.
  • ·         To be able to play as often as I wanted with people I like.
  • ·         To be a more well-known kink educator who gets to go to cons and meet lots of other kinky people and share hot, kinky experiences with.
  • ·         To have people calling me with amazing job offers because they think I’m super talented and want to work with me
  • ·         To be able to work at home in Chicago more often
  • ·         To have enough money to pay my bills and still have some left over for savings and fun.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

What I'm About

I often hear from those close to me People think things about me. Here are some of the recurring things I am told They think/say:
• MrsB is awesome
• People worship MrsB
• MrsB is aloof/cold
• MrsB is hot
• MrsB is scary
• MrsB is smart
• MrsB is dumb
• MrsB has a ton of friends
• MrsB thinks she’s superior
• MrsB is intimidating
• MrsB is mysterious
• MrsB is friendly
• MrsB is unfriendly
• MrsB is a figment of Padre’s imagination/isn’t a real person
• MrsB’s vagina will eat you alive
• MrsB has a somewhat annoying affinity for bulleted lists in her writing.

 In response to these ideas, I present to you a bulleted list:

     I find it both flattering and mildly bewildering when I hear that people think I’m awesome and/or worship me.

     I cannot objectively respond to reports that I’m thought of as aloof or superior, but I can understand why people would think that.

     I both love and hate hearing that people think I’m scary, for very different reasons.

     I am pleased, flattered, and totally in agreement with people who think I’m smart and/or hot. I am smart and hot. ☺

     I am mystified when people find me mysterious.

     I try to be friendly most of the time. Sometimes I try more than other times. Sometimes I’m tired and I don’t try at all, and then I feel guilty afterwards. Sometimes – when I feel I must – I actively try to be unfriendly.

     It is 100% true that have a singular love for bulleted lists. It is also true that my vagina will try to eat you alive and then spit you out. If you’re into that kind of thing, my vagina can be a magical wonderland.


Here are some other bullets which go some way towards explaining what I’m about.

     One of my pet peeves is when an introduction to someone goes like this:
Them: “Hi, my name is CollarBaller!”
Me: “Nice to meet you, Baller. I’m MrsB.”
Them: “Ooooooh, you’re Padre’s wife!”
Me: “…”
Them: “…”
Me: “That's true.”
Them: “Man, he’s CRAAAAAAZY!”
Me: “…”
When people relate to me mainly a propos of my husband, I find it  rude. It's rude because you've made it clear to me right off the bat that in your mind, I occupy a position adjunct to him. If you have started a conversation with me this way, I have already lost interest in you, because it makes me feel that you're less interested in methan you are my husband.

     I am interested in people who shoot directly from the hip as often as is plausible. To me, this is the most appealing way of interacting with people. It is astonishingly difficult to accomplish in the face of social pressure to fit in and be “likeable” and “approachable."

    Here is the single most important thing about me: Truly intimate connections with people render me simultaneously utterly powerless and utterly secure. The thing that drives me through life is my desire to get to a place of uncomplicated, open, mutual caring and initimacy with other people. That place is what I’m about. This kind of relationship, be it platonic or romantic, has proven to be rare and elusive. BDSM affords me an opportunity to attain moments of it.

     I want to know people, not in the sense of “being acquainted with; being aware of”, but in the sense of “being intimately familiar with; understanding.” I don’t want to know who you are trying to be before understanding who you are now. That seems like a backwards way of getting to know someone.

     I have few friends, but the ones I have mean the world to me. See above. The kind of friendships I want require a ton of trust and vulnerability. Offering that is difficult for most people, myself included. It’s risky.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Miscellaneous Confessions and Revelations: Mid-Summer

  • I am smart and I think and learn quickly. I need to learn to slow my thinking process down so I can think and learn better
  • Nearly 8 weeks after the death of my father, I feel that I am just now beginning my transition into adulthood. Here's what it feels like: there is a hole in my safety net. The choices I make will determine whether the net unravels or is mended; I'd better start being conscious of them.
  • Poverty disfigures a person's sense of worth.
  • Carrying around a refillable water bottle can be life-changing.
  • Kissing and making out make me feel pretty.
  • I've always kept a ledger of the debts. That practice is toxic for me. I need to start seeing the gains and focusing on the black ink in the ledger rather than the red.
    In other words: Grace. Gratitude.
  • Stating out loud what I truly feel, even if I'm ashamed to feel that way, helps me move on. Burying myself and staying silent it has the opposite effect.
  • I don't consider kink my sexual orientation. I consider intensity my sexual orientation; kink is my preferred instrument of expression.