“If you can think of times in your life that you’ve treated people with extraordinary decency and love, and pure uninterested concern, just because they were valuable as human beings. The ability to do that with ourselves. To treat ourselves the way we would treat a really good, precious friend." - David Foster Wallace
I've never thought of myself as one of those people who apologizes too much. But while negotiating some complicated poly-time-share issues this week, I realized that I always feel the need to apologize when I want something for myself.Do I want to spend a little extra time with my partner this week?
I'm sorry for wanting that.
Do I need to hear that I'm pretty or a good person?
I'm sorry for needing that.
Do I need some time to get my own stuff done when a partner wants to spend time with me?
I'm sorry I'm not more on top of my to-do list.
Have I made myself vulnerable by telling someone how I feel, or for talking to them in order to help work something out for myself?
I'm sorry I'm so neurotic. I'm sorry for talking about myself.
Am I disagreeing with you?
Sorry I have a different opinion.
I realized this is the stupidest thing. Am I really sorry? Do I really think I shouldn't need or want these things? Is it really necessary to apologize for having my own thoughts and opinions and feelings? No. I refuse to be sorry for these things. I respect myself more than that.
After a talk with my partner earlier this week, in which I'd gotten upset and said things and told about my feelings, I found myself with an urge to apologize, as usual. I did not apologize. Instead, I came up with a replacement behavior that I think is so much better.
Instead of saying "I'm sorry" in situations like these, I'm going to say "Thank you for helping me."
I've already tried it once or twice. It feels great. It makes the other person feel good. It feels respectful of my needs. It's vulnerable but incredibly strong and empowering, also. Try it on for size. I highly recommend it.
One of the things about saying "I'm sorry" that can make it complicated and difficult is that it has two different meanings in English - it can express contrition, or it can express empathy. "I take responsibility for that and wish I had one otherwise" versus "I feel bad that you feel bad about that". Sometimes it means both, but often one might mean just the latter, and the first, more personal meaning, tends to hover around in the air like a question.
ReplyDeleteThe reason it hovers around like a question [beautiful image btw] is that, like a question, it requires a response. Contrition wants forgiveness, and that's part of the reason it feels wrong to say "I'm sorry" in situations like this. It's not just that I want to feel empowered; it's also that I do not want the other person to feel obliged to give me anything else. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, but it can be draining; thanks, on the other hand, is beautiful and energizing.
ReplyDeleteOn a side note, I was just writing to a friend yesterday to express compassion for an injury she had experienced and I realized I didn't have any thing to say. "I'm sorry" really means "I feel sorry for you" and pity is victimizing. Condolences are more correct but the very word seems so effete. We don't really have a pat and dignified expression in English for expressing compassion in a time of injury or loss. Let's get on that, English speakers.
I've been trying to do the exact same thing -- partially because my partner made a comment a while ago that I should stop apologizing for everything. "Thank you" is way more empowering, to everyone, and it's awesome. I'm still working on it, though. I've even been doing it on the bus, when I have to get by people -- instead of "excuse me, sorry" it's "excuse me, thanks".
ReplyDelete