Honing my Female Gaze

I want to learn to objectify men more. Yeah, it's totally anti-feminist of me or whatever. I do not care. I cannot beat them, so I may as well join them. But I will join them in my own way, not by also objectifying women, like 99.9% of everything in public (billboards, TV, movies, magazines for both men & women, dudes on the bus, chicks in your work bathroom, etc, etc, ad nauseam) - but by objectifying men. 

Yes, women are pretty. I generally find them prettier than boys, personally. Yes, women have boobs, and shape their eyebrows, and paint their nails and stuff (so do some boys). But men can be beautiful and sexy and interesting, and look good in clothes, and look good without clothes as well, and have curves that can be appreciated. 

So. I've got this [Tumblr][http://mrsbshi.tumblr.com/] account, see? I am trying to fill my feed and my own blog with lots of pictures of objectified and/or tied up and/or sexualized men. I want to see if I can undo 37 years of being taught that women are to be gazed upon, by learning that men can be equally gazed upon. And also learning that my gaze, and my own opinion of what I look like, might free me somewhat from caring so much what men think I look like. 

 Are you with me? If so, and you want to send pictures of men for my consumption, please feel free :)

Public vs Private

What I say I want: 

• ·         To have friends who care about me and want to spend time with me
• ·         To have lots of sex
• ·         To play more often
• ·         To have a dog
• ·         To manage my emotions a more smoothly
• ·         To have more work in my chosen career

What I really want:

• ·         To have just a few hours each day when I’m actually happy and at peace with myself and my life 
• ·         <REDACTED>
• ·         Barring the above, to find a great, experienced, grounded Dom or switch and we fall mutually in love and/or deeply respectful and sexy friendship.
• ·         For <REDACTED>  kissing and making out.
• ·         To find a couple of really great friends who I can really like talking with and not have to hide my career or my kink from
• ·         To not constantly be afraid that I’m fucking up or making people dislike me.
• ·         To be OK being alone more often.
• ·         To be able to play as often as I wanted with people I like.
• ·         To be a more well-known kink educator who gets to go to cons and meet lots of other kinky people and share meaningful &/or hot, &/or kinky experiences with.
• ·         To have people calling me with amazing job offers because they think I’m super talented and want to work with me
• ·         To be able to work at home in Chicago more often
• ·         To have enough money to pay my bills and still have some left over for savings and fun.

What I'm About

I often hear from those close to me People think things about me. Here are some of the recurring things I am told They think/say:

• MrsB is awesome
• People worship MrsB
• MrsB is aloof/cold
• MrsB is hot
• MrsB is scary
• MrsB is smart
• MrsB is dumb
• MrsB has a ton of friends
• MrsB thinks she’s superior
• MrsB is intimidating
• MrsB is mysterious
• MrsB is friendly
• MrsB is unfriendly
• MrsB is a figment of Padre’s imagination/isn’t a real person
• MrsB’s vagina will eat you alive
• MrsB has a somewhat annoying affinity for bulleted lists in her writing.

 In response to these ideas, I present to you a bulleted list:

•     I find it both flattering and mildly bewildering when I hear that people think I’m awesome and/or worship me.

•     I cannot objectively respond to reports that I’m thought of as aloof or superior, but I can understand why people would think that.

•     I both love and hate hearing that people think I’m scary, for very different reasons.

•     I am pleased, flattered, and totally in agreement with people who think I’m smart and/or hot. I am smart and hot. ☺

•     I am mystified when people find me mysterious.

•     I try to be friendly most of the time. Sometimes I try more than other times. Sometimes I’m tired and I don’t try at all, and then I feel guilty afterwards. Sometimes – when I feel I must – I actively try to be unfriendly.

•     It is 100% true that have a singular love for bulleted lists. It is also true that my vagina will try to eat you alive and then spit you out. If you’re into that kind of thing, my vagina can be a magical wonderland.

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Here are some other bullets which go some way towards explaining what I’m about.

•     One of my pet peeves is when an introduction to someone goes like this:

Them: “Hi, my name is CollarBaller!”
Me: “Nice to meet you, Baller. I’m MrsB.”
Them: “Ooooooh, you’re Padre’s wife!”
Me: “…”
Them: “…”
Me: “That's true.”
Them: “Man, he’s CRAAAAAAZY!”
Me: “…”

When people relate to me mainly a propos of my husband, I find it  rude. It's rude because you've made it clear to me right off the bat that in your mind, I occupy a position adjunct to him. If you have started a conversation with me this way, I have already lost interest in you, because it makes me feel that you're less interested in me than you are my husband.

•     I am interested in people who shoot directly from the hip as often as is plausible. To me, this is the most appealing way of interacting with people. It is astonishingly difficult to accomplish in the face of social pressure to fit in and be “likeable” and “approachable."

•    Here is the single most important thing about me: Truly intimate connections with people render me simultaneously utterly powerless and utterly secure. The thing that drives me through life is my desire to get to a place of uncomplicated, open, mutual caring and initimacy with other people. That place is what I’m about. This kind of relationship, be it platonic or romantic, has proven to be rare and elusive. BDSM affords me an opportunity to attain moments of it.

•     I want to know people, not in the sense of “being acquainted with; being aware of”, but in the sense of “being intimately familiar with; understanding.” I don’t want to know who you are trying to be before understanding who you are now. That seems like a backwards way of getting to know someone.

•     I have few friends, but the ones I have mean the world to me. See above. The kind of friendships I want require a ton of trust and vulnerability. Offering that is difficult for most people, myself included. It’s risky.