It's sort of messed up that with all my thinking, writing, reading, and talking about feminism, I should be susceptible to internal voices like...
...maybe that email isn't really so creepy after all. Am I overreacting?
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So I'm RSVP'd maybe to an event, right? It's the same day as another event at a later time that I'm running, so I'm really not sure the logistics of going, and I haven't really thought about it in awhile. I'm also RSVP'd to a couple of other events this month, and am a member of a few groups which hold events semi-regularly, etc. I'm not good at keeping track of my maybes.
I get this email out of the blue from a dude who I don't know from Adam. He notices, he tells me, that I'm RSVP'd maybe to the event on [date/s redacted*]. He hopes I can make it. He wants to meet the "mastermind" behind my profile. He states that I'm "talented" and posits that it's "in more ways than one."
My first reaction is to be like, "What event on [date/s redacted]? What group is this dude an organizer of? He doesn't seem familiar to me." I look on my events. The event he was speaking of was an event for which I know the organizer well. This dude is NOT representing the event. But - **and I say this as an event organizer** - based on this guy's words:
"I see you're down as a maybe for the event on [date/s redacted]; I hope you can make it."
...I am led to believe that he is representing the event. And then that awful "I'm sure you're talented in more ways than one" pickup line! Gross.
So, I was on the fence about the event, due to scheduling issues. This email - which I knew for a fact was NOT from the event organizer, who I reiterate is a friend of mine - this email made me decide not to go to the event. How so? Because I knew if I went, even with a partner, this guy would creep on me. And I am not about to pay for the privilege of having to keep my guard up at a kink event. Despite the fact that I kinda wanted to go. Was I overreacting? Maybe, I thought, but better safe than sorry.
Then I thought to myself: MrsB, you should really email the event organizer and tell him about this. I bold the Him in that previous sentence because the sex of the organizer really did factor into my decision as to whether or not to bring it to his attention. Despite the fact that this organizer is my friend, and one whom I know takes the safety and comfort of all his guests seriously. But I have been told by every single man I know in my personal life that, at one time or another, I am overreacting to something I perceive as sexist or threatening.
Let me repeat that.
At one time or another Every. Single. Solitary. Man. I. Know. has accused me of overreacting to something I perceive as sexist or threatening.
So I thought to myself - will I be accused of overreacting? *AM I*, in fact, overreacting? The first couple lines of the email, where he seems to be representing the event, could have just been a mishap of phrasing. Surely someone not representing an event would not reach out to me, pretending to represent that event? [Note: In light of how this has played out, I believe that to have truly been the case.] The second part of the email, with the pickup line: that's creepy, isn't it? Or is it just lame? How much of the benefit of the doubt do I give this guy?
I went through this song and dance with myself for several hours before I took a chance on my friend, the organizer, and texted him about it. And because he's a good organizer who, as I said, takes the safety and comfort of all his guests seriously, he read my concerns, validated them, suggested that he might take action about it, and when I said that'd be good, he did so. AND he thanked me for bringing it to his attention.
It was a great big relief that it played out like that. I was really surprised at how much it felt like a relief to have that happen. Because so often it doesn't. It truly did feel like a gamble to reach out to this person. IT SHOULD NOT FEEL LIKE THAT.
This isn't a note about how event organizers should be more responsive. I believe organizers are becoming more responsive every single week and every single event. Rather this is a note about how it shouldn't feel like a gamble to bring this stuff up. It felt like a gamble simply because this person was a man, and so often I am told by men that I'm overreacting to stuff like this. (I get told this sometimes by women too, and that's a whole 'nother journal entry.) I'm told so often that I'm overreacting to stuff like this that I question my own perceptions on a regular basis.
Guys, the amount of energy I spend questioning my own perceptions about things I see as sexist or threatening is fucking exhausting and I'm tired of it. I spend enough time questioning whether I'm reacting logically to totally legit stuff I might not be reacting to logically, like whether my frustration with the lady ahead of me in line at the grocery store is justified, or whether my snapping at my husband about not cleaning the peanut butter off the spoon was maybe a little harsh. I'm no longer interested in spending energy in deciding whether or not my own perception of whether something seems sexist or threatening to me as a woman is right. But as long as people continue to question my perception about that like half the time, I guess I'll continue wasting my energy that way.
I'm glad there was a step in the right direction today.
