Silencing Tactics Part 3: Put up, or shut up.

How often have I been someplace where I've seen or heard something, or read something online that I found offensive to women? Nearly every day of my life for the past 25 years. That's really, really often. How often have I had the courage to say something about it? Decidedly less often. How many times have I worked up the ovaries to say something, only to be told "It's a man's world, lady. If you want to get ahead, you'd better learn to deal with it."  Or this: "[insert name of public online forum and/or public place] is supposed to be a place where I can express myself freely. If you don't like it, you don't have to read it/participate/work in this field."

This is a shitty thing to say. Why?

• Because it treats the question of whether I should speak up for myself as a question of etiquette.
• Because it isn't just a way of telling me to shut up, it's also a way of pressuring me to cease participation in this group. Which (I will say out loud because it seems so easily overlooked) I have every bit as much right to participate in as you do. But of course, you are doing it in such a way as to force me to make the decision to exclude *myself* from this activity. Speaking of which...
• Because it's not nice to ask someone to make a choice between being offended, and being excluded. This tactic places the responsibility on the marginalized person to take responsibility for her offense by just *avoiding* (as though psychic) being in places where she might be offended in the first place, or avoiding overhearing things that make her feel belittled and remind her of her "place".
• Because it allows the person who says it to avoid taking any responsibility for the consequences of his speech or actions.
• Because it assumes that the free speech of the offender is more important - on a personal, individual level, not just a theoretical one - than the emotional well-being of the offended.

What you probably should consider doing before opening your mouth to tell me or any other woman to nut up, is to take into consideration the 50% of the population who are female, and who have been marginalized for hundreds of generations simply because they are born with different reproductive organs than you. What you need to understand is this: women are not a "special interest group," despite what you may have been conditioned to believe. My sex is something that is innate, coincidental, and almost entirely out of my control. I did not choose to belong to this  marginalized group called "Women." I was partially robbed of my right to self-determination at birth - to an extent which you, a privileged male, can never fully understand. I have been lumped into this caste of people who are considered "other" or "less than" not through any choice of my own, but by a societal construct which favors you. And now you are asking me to think and behave as though I am not a member of this category at all.

So no, I will not put up or nut up. I will speak up for myself when you're trying to tell me to shut-the-fuck-up and sit-the-fuck down. I will not exclude myself - I will just bring more like me to support me. We have just as much right to be here as you do, and you'll just have to get used to it.