Post Summer Sabbatical

Gentle readers, I have not written in a long time. And now that my summer job is winding down, it's time to start writing again. So much to say - where to start? Brainstorming seems necessary. What do I want to write about? I suppose the things I've been thinking about all summer.

I want to write about wanting what I want, and not being afraid that my wants are "wrong." I want to write about my goal to stop the process of self-editing EVERYTHING. 

I want to write about loneliness. And my relationship with it.

I want to write about being “high maintenance” and whether I am or not. About whether wanting to be treated with a certain level of courtesy is “high maintenance” And about whether there are different standards of 'acceptable" maintenance for a submissive. And whether my standards are too high. And whether I’m afraid to enforce them because I wonder if I’ll have anyone left.

I want to write about how, as the only female supervisor in my department at my summer workplace, I was constantly asking myself whether my workers’ performance and working relationship with me were swayed by the fact that I’m a woman. And how all the other women department heads at my organization either ran female-majority departments, or were more butch than femme.

I want to write about marriage, and polyamory.

I want to write about why I, a 36-year-old woman, still feel rejected and socially awkward when women nearly a decade younger than me don’t want to hang out with me. And whether this signifies that I’m immature, or just come from a unique social dynamic that looks more at other factors, or if it signifies how I may spend my entire life trying to make up for my lack of social standing in high school.

I want to write about what Ashton fucking Kutcher of all people said about success looking an awful lot like hard work, and what he said about being sexy, and about how a message directed at 13-year-old girls resonated with me still, and how fucked up that is. 

So there you go. I guess that's what you can look forward to the next few months?