Why I Do It

I spend a lot of time thinking about what it means to be a kinky person, what that says about me.

I found this one Maggie Mayhem article today about porn, and she wrote this thing below, and it helped me be able to put into words why I do kink. It's powerful stuff:

"A child can look at a cardboard box and have the very real experience of being on a pirate ship at sea and we know just how powerfully vivid this is. In fact, children roleplay the macabre and the horrific all the time. When a small child comes up to you with a pointed finger shouting “bang bang” you know immediately to act out a terrible, painful death. Why?

The power of the imagination is one of the greatest gifts we have and we use it to understand what’s happening with our universe, our planet, our fellow humans, and our interior landscapes. Yes, there are a lot of things depicted in porn that I would never want to see happening in real life, non-consensually, before my eyes. I know that most children would be horrified if their pretend firearm were actually harming you. What they’re thrilled about is the magic of altering consciousness by employing focused attention on an idea. We’re not surprised when children learn about the holocaust and head to the playground to decided “who’s Hitler” for a group roleplay. They aren’t doing this because they want to be Hitler, because they espouse genocide, or because they’re racist. Kids roleplay the horrors of grownups because it doesn’t make any sense at all that we would ever hurt our fellow humans like that. It is illogical, it cannot ever be fully understood, and it never serves us. 

Adults do the same thing. We use our mind to Photoshop reality in real time and in retrospectives. Sexuality is one facet of many, many, many incredible functions of the most complex and intricate computers ever assembled on planet earth and it’s made of meat and it lives in our heads."

My sexuality has always been a hugely important aspect of my identity, since well before I even knew what the word "kinky" meant. I'm a lot of things other than sexual, but sexuality was always a safe home base for me. So when, in my twenties, I was finally introduced to kink and kinky culture by a lover, I knew it was right, dove straight in, and have felt at home there ever since.

Sexuality is and has always been a safe space for me to help ease my anxiety and exist in my body and feelings in the moment, without judgement. As I struggled with a debilitating digestive disease that affected my quality of life every day for eighteen years, tapping into my sexual nature was my only consistent physical and mental coping strategy. When I struggled with self-esteem issues, sexual fantasy, sexual contact, and masturbation were the things that helped ground me to my true, deserving self. Anytime, as a woman or a feminist, I was confronted with the notion that any of the ways I chose to explore my sexuality was shameful or immoral or harmful to women, I dismissed that notion out of hand. It just didn't feel shameful or immoral, and it was the opposite of harmful to me. 

I use my sexuality for myself, and only myself. I watch what porn I watch for myself, to enjoy and stimulate my imagination; I am the consumer, not a victim. When I wear sexy clothing, I'm not dressing "provocatively" - I'm reminding myself in a visceral way to feel good about my body. When I tie myself up in a room full of kinky people, I'm not trying to show off or get attention; I'm practicing self-care in a safe space where I know someone will be able to help if something goes wrong. When I teach about kinky practices, I'm not doing it for accolades or popularity - I do it because practicing my sexuality is deeply joyful for me, and paramount to my well-being, and I want to help other people find that joy, if I can. When I engage in violent or painful play with a partner, I'm not doing it because I want to hurt myself or because I'm a misogynist - I'm doing it because I love myself strongly and I appreciate my partner's desire to inhabit that moment with me, and that's the most accurate way I know to express this thing that I don't fully understand and cannot be expressed in words.

I'm writing this blog post for myself, too. It belongs in public because I want to share this part of myself with other people, because other people are also essential to my well-being. And because I hope those people can get something out of this, and see themselves in this. Because it's nice to feel a thing in common.